I have changed my way of thinking. People in general do not dissapoint me. Nor can say that certain individuals dissapoint me, but yet I allow myself to be dissapointed time and time again. What should I do about this? Should I take none but a close few seriously? Should I keep all promises given at arms length? Or do I become that distant uncaring shell I was a few months ago. Maybe I expect too much. I want to believe in the morality of others so desperately, that I risk all in doing so. Society cannot succeed without interaction, so society dictates that I can't shut out everyone entirely. It is necessary at least to hold a close few around me, those in who I place my dependancy and trust, but yet it is those close few who seem to dissapoint me the most. 

I have changed my way of thinking. People do not dissapoint me. I allow myself to feel that way. I will let go this teenage misanthropy, I will keep an open mind and a welcome heart even to those who are known to betray, who will inevitably dissapoint. Blood is thicker than water but water does not burn so deep.

Let's not dwell on the negative. I started going to the gym again last week. It's rather exciting. It may just be a fleeting emotion but I really feel confident this time. I am going to get some fantastic results, and improve my health, fitness and appearance. It might be due to the fact that I have a regular gym partner this time around. That always helps.

The last week was a bit dramatic, I don't really want to get into it, because it involves a problematic little girl that I should try hard to forget. Broken promises. They don't phase me. I'm unphaseable now and nearly all my sentences end in affirmations. Thats good for personal growth but it's probably shit for reading. This is my journal anyway and I'll be the only one who will look back and read it. It should only matter to me and make sense to me. 

Over recent months I have been praying quite a bit. There was a dark time in my life when I was praying 3-4 times a day. Now it is only when I remember to do it, and have time to fit it in. Sometimes I wonder, how can the instant improvement of my life NOT be at the top of my list of things to do? From this moment on it is. Simlpe prayer however is not as fulfilling as I originally hoped, so they have evolved into sort of meditation sessions now. I wish I could say that it actually is meditation, hell I can barely call them "prayer" (in the traditional sense). One day I may earn the right to label them as such, until then it's just "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy". A brilliant album by a legendary artist.

On the subject of great albums. Hybrid (by Elsiane) has finally been released, but only in their resident nation of Canada. I still managed to order a copy from Amazon.ca. Here's hoping it won't take 6 months to arrive. I have not been this excited about an album since the last Tori Amos offering in early 2005. For the time being the whole album is available for listening, yes the whole album... legally... from the website until May 4th. I pray that my purchase will be delivered shortly after for fear of withdrawl.