I have changed my way of thinking. People in general do not dissapoint me. Nor can say that certain individuals dissapoint me, but yet I allow myself to be dissapointed time and time again. What should I do about this? Should I take none but a close few seriously? Should I keep all promises given at arms length? Or do I become that distant uncaring shell I was a few months ago. Maybe I expect too much. I want to believe in the morality of others so desperately, that I risk all in doing so. Society cannot succeed without interaction, so society dictates that I can't shut out everyone entirely. It is necessary at least to hold a close few around me, those in who I place my dependancy and trust, but yet it is those close few who seem to dissapoint me the most. 

I have changed my way of thinking. People do not dissapoint me. I allow myself to feel that way. I will let go this teenage misanthropy, I will keep an open mind and a welcome heart even to those who are known to betray, who will inevitably dissapoint. Blood is thicker than water but water does not burn so deep.

Let's not dwell on the negative. I started going to the gym again last week. It's rather exciting. It may just be a fleeting emotion but I really feel confident this time. I am going to get some fantastic results, and improve my health, fitness and appearance. It might be due to the fact that I have a regular gym partner this time around. That always helps.

The last week was a bit dramatic, I don't really want to get into it, because it involves a problematic little girl that I should try hard to forget. Broken promises. They don't phase me. I'm unphaseable now and nearly all my sentences end in affirmations. Thats good for personal growth but it's probably shit for reading. This is my journal anyway and I'll be the only one who will look back and read it. It should only matter to me and make sense to me. 

Over recent months I have been praying quite a bit. There was a dark time in my life when I was praying 3-4 times a day. Now it is only when I remember to do it, and have time to fit it in. Sometimes I wonder, how can the instant improvement of my life NOT be at the top of my list of things to do? From this moment on it is. Simlpe prayer however is not as fulfilling as I originally hoped, so they have evolved into sort of meditation sessions now. I wish I could say that it actually is meditation, hell I can barely call them "prayer" (in the traditional sense). One day I may earn the right to label them as such, until then it's just "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy". A brilliant album by a legendary artist.

On the subject of great albums. Hybrid (by Elsiane) has finally been released, but only in their resident nation of Canada. I still managed to order a copy from Amazon.ca. Here's hoping it won't take 6 months to arrive. I have not been this excited about an album since the last Tori Amos offering in early 2005. For the time being the whole album is available for listening, yes the whole album... legally... from the website until May 4th. I pray that my purchase will be delivered shortly after for fear of withdrawl.

Spent almost the entire weekend helping my mother out at the Cambodian New Year Celebrations in Bonnyrigg. It was a tiresome weekend, marred by lack of sleep and strange encounters of the Sokhak kind. Just when I thought he was absoultely crazy he suddenly makes the most stunningly sensible and insightful observations. Then he will lose his mind and say something insane again. He's off the gear (Ice/Crystal Meth), well at least thats what he tells me. He is looking a little more stable, but he still has a long way to go to being who I remember. 

The celebrations were the same as the last year. I was happy to see my mother and father, helped out as best I could with the running of the food stall. Nas accompanied me on both days (Saturday and Sunday) and I think he actually enjoyed it. He definitely enjoyed the food and has a serious thing for dark skinned girls. He really is a strange one that guy, but is a really helpful spirit and as far as I can tell, hes fantastic with kids. Probably because hes just a big kid himself.

From the recent visit's it's really starting to show how much my parents actually miss me. I kind of love being their favourite, but at the same time it's so demanding on me emotionally. I feel I have to make appearances regualarly or my parents may go into a depressive slump. Thats what Sokhak said about my dad, that he has been depressed since I moved out. My dad seemed fine to me though he did have the flu, but I don't know what to believe because between him and Sokhak theres enough craziness to fill a nut house.

In more recent news, I didn't go to work today. I felt as though I deserved it, working through the whole week with the flu, then basically working most of the weekend for my parents with the flu. I relaxed on the beach at Tamarama (Glamarama?) with the frenchies and Nas who are all on holidays (bastards). Got a bit of a tan, not that I needed it. It was relaxing day and definitely needed.

I didn't do much today, well nothing really journal worthy anyway. It has been raining through most of the day as it has all weekend. I feel sorry for Nikki and James (my manager) who have made the trek up to Byron Bay for the Blues and Roots festival. I really wanted to go this year but as usual I am not vigilant when it comes to ticket sale dates. I am glad I didn't because Nikki sent me a message saying that they have been standing in mud all weekend. Cold, wet, muddy and high as fuck. Memories of Creamfields UK 2004 come flooding back.

Rene, a German backpacker from Hamburg has just left my apartment after coming to say goodbye. He is leaving Sydney and continuing his trip around Australia with a cheap automobile and a dusty map. I commend his bravery and wish him well. He's been hanging around for a few weeks now and I guess he feels it's time to move on to Melbourne. Though I didn't get to know him too well personally, Sandrine (one of the Frenchies) has taken quite a liking to him. She is going to travel with Rene to Melbourne, but will return to Sydney when he leaves there. I think he is a very friendly and entertaining guy and I'm sad to see him leave, but then, I have always been poor at goodbyes.   My intuition tells me I won't see him again, but I will still hope otherwise.

It's 1 am now and my sisters are getting ready to go to town and meet Aisha. I don't know how they can party 4 nights straight. I guess I never recovered from a massive Thursday night, which reminds me: Never get drunk with Stefanie again. That German / Irish lass is trouble, and so is her roomate Olivia. I sorely admit that they drank me under the table. Sadly I found comfort in Stefanies drunken tears as she was getting into the cab. At least I didn't cry! (not that night anyway). I can be such a pitiful creature sometimes but I'm sure the tears didn't mean anything, however I hope it wasn't anything I said. She called me later the next day and sounded quite normal. That night I ended up walking/crawling across the harbour bridge home. It was a long walk I imagine, but I can't say I remember any of it, so it felt really quick. Dave Attel, a great stand up comic once described this experience as "time travel", he was not far from the truth. It was around 5 am I think when I had a shower and crashed into bed. Aisha slid under the covers at somewhere around 6 am. Nas must've let her in. Though I was well drunk, I was still vaguely aware of what was happening. I remeber having a sober thought (one of few that night) - will she hold true to her promise? - no strings....

P.S. Note to self: Danny is a real asshole when hes on drugs.